 | Dear Uncle Logrence,
Please help me.
I'm kept chained up in a drafty mud hut by the side of the river, and although I can hear all my landlord's friends throwing parties, do they ever invite me to join them? Do they hell.
And they don't even let me out to gnaw on the newbies.
To top it all off, my landlord keeps trying to throw my Anne Robinson sex doll into the river.
What can I do? Just because I'm black and furry they treat me like a hearth rug, and to be honest, I've had enough.
Yours, in desolation,
George | George,
We all have these same sorts of problems with Landlords in life - I suggest you phone the National Landlord Helpline on (020) 7345 3454 (Lo-call).
As for your canniballistic tendencies, and your fetish with Ms Robinson, I can only suggest you go and have a word with your GP. You are obviously under a lot of stress with your Landlord, but turning to Anne Robinson for solace will do you no good.
I suggest you read my book, "Coping with Problem Landlords," for more ideas.
As for your confidence problems, I think you need to stand up to the people who are giving you problems - look after number 1, and things should be all right...
Uncle Logrence | |
| Dear Uncle Logrence,
I found a few years ago I while at work an amazing website called Poohsticks. One of my friends told me about it and I thought it was best I give it a try. Although it's the most saddest thing I've ever seen in my life, I was compelled to go on there. What was meant to be just 10 minutes ended up a whole day and then that ended up a whole week. I fell behind schedule with my work and ended up losing my job.
I started looking for new jobs, but all I could think about was Poohsticks. My main drive for looking for a job was to be reunited with my online love, Poohsticks, but when my wife's father bought my son a computer I suddenly stopped searching for work and played Poohsticks all my time. My wife, angered that I was always on this website, left me after time and took the children with her, leaving me with the computer.
That was 8 months ago. I now find myself hungry, soon to be evicted and owing the phone company over £10,000.
Please give me advice, all I want to do is play Poohsticks and nothing else.
Tetsuo
| Tetsuo,
While we had a good laugh at your letter down here at Logrence Online, you obviously have a very serious problem. Or a problem about being serious. Whatever. You need to loosen up a bit. Why not get yourself a proper hobby, like Trainspotting?
You need to get your life together, and sort yourself out, because quite frankly, you're a bit of a mess. I suggest you borrow my book "Coping with too much Poohsticks" from your local Library - 'cos let's face it, you can't afford it!!
There are several well-documented cases of VPS-syndrome, and all of them were cured with a bit of will-power. Don't worry about the money, I'm sure it will come. You might just have to wait a little while.
Uncle Logrence | |
