It's a knick-knack
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says "Sure, I have this" and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what is this?"
The bank manager replies: "It's a knick-knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
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"Good Luck, Mr Gorsky"
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On 5 July, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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"Cut and Paste"
Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.
Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.
When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied.
He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around"
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"Squids in"
A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Certainly Sir," says Gervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Gervaise "but he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one".
So Gervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good", says Gervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."
So out comes Hans, while Gervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and
twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairy-lip squid.
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"Are YOU an Internet Geek?"
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!" 
Oh, gosh - the obligatory cute animal picture...sorry while I throw up!
If you have any jokes or funny stories you want me to add to this page, then send me an email to the usual address...oh, sorry...the one below...
You are the Weakest Link, Goodbye! |
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"The Cruise"
An ambitious engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replied, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replied the woman. "I made the row boat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On The south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware."
The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks on to shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call It home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice,"the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories,
the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines -strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?
You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing "You mean...?", he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
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"The New Priest"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
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